BREAKING NEWS: BIA Players Taken Hostage

Posted on October 21, 2010 by

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BREAKING NEWS

Reports out of Mountain View  claim that Boobies in America players have been taken hostage by their Pacific Islander teammates.  The hostages are being held at Boobies in America’s Hooters’ Practice Complex. Here is a list of players kidnapped:

  • Drew Brees – Tied up by his fullback Marcus Mailei
  • Steven Jackson – Drugged and slung over the shoulder of TE Michael Hoomanawanui
  • Cedric Benson – Teammates Fui Vakapuna, Jonathan Fanene, Domata Peko, and Rey Maualuga performed a death haka.  Benson passed out and was tied up like a pig on spittle.
  • Todd Heap – Talked Mormonism with Kelly Talavou before being speared in the leg and passing out.
  • Rob Bironas – Ryan Mouton, while not a native islander, graduated from the University of Hawaii and pledges his allegiance to the Islander nation.  He invited dorky Bironas to a night on the town, but instead of going out in Nashville, they ended up at a luau where Bironas was tied up.

No one knows what is happening at the Hooters’ Practice Complex, but the following text message was sent from a hostage:

“Pls help. Islanders w war paint, grass skirts and tattoos. Doing strange dance. Have spears, bulging eyes, long tongues. Help.”

No one knows what the Islanders want for ransom, but rumors state that Pacific Island Boys’ GM Justin Thorington is paying each player with 3 pigs, 4 pounds of rice and endless poi.

So who is left for BIA?  Hakeem Nicks, Jabar Gaffney, Knowshon Moreno and Atlanta’s defense.  BIA GM Dennis Lazar could not be reached for comment, but a local Mountain View citizen said they say Lazar stocking up on tissue and “looked very pouty”.

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