August 2011 Power Rankings: The Final Stretch Edition

Posted on August 8, 2011 by

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Three weeks away. It’s been a long, contentious off-season where enemies became friends, friends became enemies, those new enemies became friends again, and those new friendships broke down again, thus creating like a 5th level of enemy-ship. But now as we round the final corner and head towards the draft, the league is gearing up to begin its 5th season. While there are many reasons for TCFFL fans to be excited, there are also some disturbing new trends developing that could stunt much of the progress the league has made in recent months. At such a intruiging precipice, let us take a look at the TCFFL Power Rankings for August.

1. Boobies In America

The Boobies are quietly going about their business preparing for draft day and the 2011/2012 season. There is not one person alive who has ever argued that GM Dennis Lazar isn’t one of the league’s best GM’s as well as one of its most admirable characters. As always, the issue for BIA is the Curse of the Boobs that strikes each year. Inside sources claim that Lazar has had his entire organization, from GM to waterboy, engaging in acts of charity and volunteerism as a way to reverse the karmic misfortune that seems to love raping the team every year. With only a curse standing between BIA and their first league championship, the TCFFL is on high alert.

2. Pacific Island Boys

Newly reinvigorated Commissioner JG Thorington went through a tough off-season but came out stronger on the other side. A (hopefully) thicker skin has the PIB GM raring to go in an attempt to turn the franchise around. A move to Tallahassee with rumored VP GM A. Rapheal has some in the PIB camp wondering what kind of attention and effort Thorington will have to dedicate to running the organization. And while there is undoubtedly a lot on JG’s plate, his spirit remains high and the transition to Tallahassee Glen should be a smooth one for the GM and his team.

3. Jackie Paper Thin Skins

With nothing but UM Recruiting and a new job to occupy his time, JPTS GM Rob Lay is desperate for the start of the season so he can prove that his team is finally ready to make the leap from the “mediocre” label that has begun to follow him around. Known for his thin skin, Lay is using his intolerance for teasing to motivate his troops to break away from the middle of the pack. Right now things are looking good but who knows if a well-placed insult will derail all of the progress made so far.

4. Dumblethor’s Army

DA GM Dylan Thorington has made impressive strides this off-season and the only thing left to do is perform on the field. Thorington is saying all the right things, doing most of the right things (A girlfriend weeks before draft weekend? Yikes.) and there is reason for Dumblethor fans to hope for the first time in many years. There is reason to be wary however: Just about every preseason, promises are made that Thorington will be a new man come the start of the season and his team will dominate. While it hasn’t happened yet, 2011 could finally be the year that those supporting D Thor aren’t left looking like Tom Aprik-level Ass-talkers come playoff time.

5. Windy City Warriors

While WCW GM Josh Thorington should perhaps go back to the drawing board one more time for a team name that doesn’t have so much cheese it could clog an artery, there is no doubt that he’s gotten his participation numbers up, much to the delight of the rest of the league. Another typically middle-of-the-pack on field performer, Thorington is hoping to finally make the leap to division contender in 2011.

6. Showtime

GM Nick Loynes team is still called Showtime, right? Either way, Loynes has finally begun participating in league emailing, albeit on a limited basis. Still, TCFFL fans are only too happy to know that there is at least someone actually at the helm of one of the league’s most surprisingly successful franchises. Unfortunately, Showtime’s success may be much like that of the University of Michigan football program: Lots of victories in the early going while other teams were being built, but a lack of success in the modern era. It’s all up to GM Loynes to keep his team involved and ready to compete against stiffer competition than ever.

7. Way Too Much Shirt

WTMS GM Mike Poppa Lay is sticking to his average levels of participation and his reputation as league stalwart. You don’t get much excitement as a WTMS fan but you also usually avoid the lowest lows (see: 2010 Dumblethor’s Army). The WTMS franchise is at a very important point where they need to prove last seasons failure was a fluke and not the beginning of an ugly trend.

8. Aptos Mudsharks

Yes, Aptos GM Jason Anderson has finally sent a few emails the past few weeks. So that’s good. However, the fact of the matter is, this guy hasn’t been without his phone at his side in 6 years and he should be contributing more. While he claims to read every email and listen to every podcast, there is overwhelming evidence that he does neither (mainly because his horrible acting usually can’t back up his story that “Yes, I did read the emails. I just forgot you guys talked about that”). Anderson has fans worried that the Mudshark roster will be treated with the same ambivalence shown towards league emails and they are worried. Very worried.

9. Italian Ice

With GM Nick Pinto appearing to take over the reigns full-time from brother Egg, the league hopes that participation from the II organization will be increased, despite all evidence to the contrary. It hasn’t been a great off-season for GM Pinto and the Ice, especially with rumors swirling that he now owns a smartphone with email capabilities. But a man of upstanding character, Nick has the support of the Ice fanbase firmly behind him. 

10. Ronald Weasels

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

11. Tommy Wiseau FC

PLEASE STOP TALKING

12. Cincinnati Bowties

ABOUT POLITICS AND THE GOD DAMN ECONOMY

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