Administration Report presented by Morton’s Salt ©: Dumblethor’s Army

Posted on June 29, 2012 by


Can Dylan Thorington and Dumblethor’s Army grapple with his childish demons?

In which Commissioner JG Thorington and Ass Commish DR Lazar JR sit down for a series of discussions about each team in the TCFFL.

 Today’s Featured Team: Dumblethor’s Army: GM Dylan Thorington

Commissioner JG Thorington: The first Administration Report presented by Morton’s Salt in the series of 12 was a hit.  Today we look at one of the league’s most polarizing figures.  Thanks for taking the time this morning, Dennis.

Ass. Commissioner Dennis Lazar: The pleasure is all mine. I must say we are the Rhubarb & Custard of the TCFFL.

JG: I’m not sure what that means.

DL: Shhhh sh sh sh sh. Let’s get started. When it comes to Dylan, it’s the bratty-ness more than any competitiveness in league play that first comes to mind. As his older brother you’ve been one of Dylan’s only supporters and defenders. But I think even you would have to admit the youngest Thorington has really upped his Rat game in recent weeks with all of his purposefully pointless emails. So I want to ask you: Does Dylan make it through the whole season without being banned, suspended or reprimanded in some way? And is this the year he finally wins ROTY or will the league continue to withhold it since he so obviously wants it?

JG: Both are very poignant questions, Dennis.  Poignant.  There is no way Dylan makes it through the season without reprimand.  In fact, I had to call him yesterday to tell him he was out of the league if he continued with the status updates.  It is his mission to win ROTY.  But there is one problem.  He is to the ROTY award what the Buffalo Bills were to the Lombardi Trophy in that he is up against one of that all-time great ROTY dynasties.  Will is the Dallas Cowboys of ratness.  It will be fun/annoying to see how this pans out. 

I want to first get your thoughts on his ROTY campaign, but then what I really want to know what you think of Dylan as one of the lone bachelor, smasher, drinkers left in this league.  You, Dylan, and Ron are the only single guys in the league, but no one is impressed with the younger Lay. We hear stories of Dylan’s filthy escapades with middle-aged women, I know he drunk text/dials you.  Where does Dylan stand in your eyes in terms of drinking, smashing, and bachelor-ness?

DL: First off, as far as the ROTY stuff goes, the interesting thing is that we could be dealing with a potential triple or quadruple reverse psychology here. What I mean is, maybe Dylan really doesn’t want to win the ROTY so he’s actively acting like a rat and saying he wants to win it, knowing that those are the keys to NOT winning it. Then again, if you believe that theory you are putting a lot of stock in Dylan’s intelligence, which…who knows if that’s a good idea.

In terms of Dylan’s ranking on the scale of the 3 Kingmakers (Drinking, Smashing, Bachelor-ness) he has the potential, no doubt. The problem is sometimes he takes that potential for granted. Like when he thinks its hilarious to have random girls he’s at a party with call me at 1am while they just sit there giggling and saying stupid things that I don’t understand. I don’t need that. On the other hand, I understand I’ve become sort of a mentor/role model for Dylan. And you’ve got to appreciate the judgment by him in choosing to look up to me. If he can follow my example then his future will look pretty bright.

Let’s put you on the spot with a few questions. I want you to tell me who’d you choose in the following scenarios: You need to partner with either Rob or Dylan in a drinking contest, who do you choose? You’re being forced to choose the 2012 TCFFL Champ and you can only pick Josh or Dylan, so who do you go with? You’re organizing the Traverse City 2012 Parade and have to pick a Grand Marshall between Dylan and Jeff, so who gets it? Finally, does Dylan make the playoffs this year?

JG: Rob or Dylan in a drinking contest: Dylan and this is more about Rob than Dylan.  Rob isn’t a good competitive drinker for many reasons, but the two biggest reasons are that a) he can’t chug and b) there is no doubt that he throws a temper tantrum and storms off.  With Dylan, he is a known chugger, competitive, and won’t storm off.

Josh/Dylan TCFFL Champ: If I must answer a hypothetical then I will, but I doubt either of these guys will ever be in a championship game. Answering this requires weighing out the negatives because, in my book, these guys lack a certain prowess and/or basic understanding of what it takes to win in the TCFFL. Shared negatives: TCFFL not top priority, lack of research, overvalue players past their fantasy prime. Josh’s biggest negative is that he doesn’t have the time needed to focus on his team enough to win a ‘ship.  Dylan’s is that he has the time to focus, but chooses not to.  I guess I’ll go with Josh because he sets his line-ups.

Jeff would definitely be the Grand Marshall.  He comes from a famous family locally, has a top-notch reputation, and is an upstanding citizen. Dylan has burned too many bridges in the community.

I don’t think Dylan makes the playoffs.  He has 4 wins in 2 years and is a slow starter.  His priorities will continue to be with college, drinking and girls.

I’m gonna set the over/under on wins for Dylan at 4.5.  What would you put your money on and why?

DL: I think your question could use some spicing up so I’m going to answer it differently. Instead of picking the over/under on how many games Dylan wins I’m going to pick the over/under on where he ends up in the league standings (1-12) and I’ll even name the teams he’s going to do better than.

Dylan can’t get worse, performance wise. And we all know Fantasy is random, especially if the Snake Draft remains. So IF we do a Snake-Draft I think the over/under on Dylan’s final place in the standings is at 7. And the 5 teams he’ll do better than? Wiseau (I see an injury-riddled season for J Spence’s team), Weekend at Bernie’s (Josh has one of the most under-the-radar bad franchises in the league), Showtime (Loynes has been trending downwards for years), Pitness Initiative (Could be a historically bad year from these guys), and finally…Italian Ice. Now, if we do an Auction Draft where skill and knowledge matter? Dylan wins 2 games and is last in the league.

Alright let’s wrap this up. Rest of the off-season prediction? Season Prediction? Alternate Team Name? Real World Cast Member Character?

JG: Not much respect for the Thoringtons in this league…although I wrote scathingly of my brothers as well.

Rest of the off-season: I don’t know if he was invited to Pinto’s wedding, but if he was then I suspect he and Jeff will join an alliance – being a Wiseau ally, I can’t comment on the eptitude (if you will) of the alliance.  In the meantime, he continues his pranks and ROTY campaign.  I’m suspecting an email ban by mid-July.

Season prediction: Since you didn’t answer my question, I will.  I’ll take the over.  He went from 0 wins to 4 wins, so I’ll say he continues to build and will get 7 wins, but misses out on the playoffs.

Alternate Team Name: I like his team name, but I’m going with Ratniss Everdeen

Real World-type: I don’t know why, but Dylan seems like he would start off wild, but fall in love with one of the cast mates and settle down.

Let’s hear yours.

DL: Rest of the Off: You hit the nail on the head. Serial-Alliance-Former J Spence will definitely team up with Dylan at some point this off-season after a night of TC bonding at the bar. If Dylan escapes with only one email ban by the start of the season, I’ll be impressed.

Season: Snake Draft will see Dylan just miss the playoffs (finishing 7th). If we do an auction draft, like I said, he will be back to the bottom of the league.

Team Name: Not sure I can do better than yours. So i’ll just throw this one out: Baby Dill Pickles

Real World Castmate: The guy whose antics are hilarious on the first day of the show but then the rest of the house soon gets tired of them until he makes a mid-season admission that he only acts this way to get attention from his older brothers and a promise to try and turn it around.