Fantasy Nihilism: Volume 3 – Thanksgiving Edition

Posted on November 22, 2012 by

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It’s been a long, miserable few weeks since Fantasy Nihilism last checked in.  Not much has change.  Your devoted author still has the same number of wins (2) since Volume 2 was published in mid-October. However, I don’t care. I’ve let go. I’ve become a depressed slug, and I plan to eat my feelings on this Thanksgiving Day.  Speaking of Thanksgiving, let’s get to this weeks letter.

Dear Fantasy Nihilism,

What was the first Thanksgiving really like? 

Thanks – Brody (Madesto, CA)

Well Brody, I’m glad you asked. It’s actually quite depressing.  The entire meal was cooked by only 4 women because all of the other pilgrim women had already died. The food isn’t like what it is today.  There may have been turkey, but there was also swan, duck, quail, and all other sorts of fowl. There was definitely no pie. There was venison, but that also included deer brain, heart, and other organs. There was plenty of beer, though.  In fact, even the children were drunk.  There weren’t many Native Americans as most had contracted disease from the White man. The feast lasted 3 days. Because none of the colonists showered regularly, it probably smelled awful.

I guess what I’m trying to say, Brody, is that the first Thanksgiving is a lot like Fantasy Football. Having to manage your fucking awful team for an entire season probably feels a lot like four women having to cook a meal that lasts 3 days for 150 drunk, stinky colonists. Meanwhile, you think fantasy is going to be fun, but that, of course is not the reality.  It’s like thinking you are going to get this awesome meal when in reality you have to eat swan, deer stomach, and there’s no pie.  And it drives you to drink. Like every night.

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