TCFFL Power Rankings Week 1: ‘You’re Winning Me A Championship, Lisa!’ Edition

Posted on September 5, 2013 by



Welcome to the Champions Club?

Today’s the day the 2013 TCFFL Fantasy Football season begins its final year. The beginning of the once-great league’s death-rattle, if you will. It’s truly a bittersweet day as things ramp up for the 7th season of fantasy football for the former residents and friends of 1105 Church Street.

But in the words of Albus Dumbledore (HP: PoA Movie-Only), “Happiness can be found in the darkest of places, if one only remembers to turn on the light”. There is hope for the TCFFL. One day in and league chatter is starting to heat up, trades are being made, and even more trade offers are being rejected because Tome is a too much of a penis to know a good offer when he sees one. Time keeps on moving forward for the TCFFL. Where will it lead? It seems one team is emerging from the pre-season with its eyes firmly on the prize.

On to the Power Rankings.

1. Tommy Wiseau’s Close Quarters Football Club: Years of crying ‘Curse’ seem to have finally worked. The conversation isn’t, ‘Will the Wiseau’s win it all” but instead, ‘Is this the greatest roster put together in the history of the TCFFL?”. Jeff Spencer finally defeated his draft-day demons and put together a SQUAD, capital every letter. Will the Wiseau’s fulfill their destiny or will they be the fantasy version of the 2011 Philadelphia Eagles dream team (hopefully minus the dog fighting)? It’s safe to say the trophy-engravers should start stretching their wrists – the name on the trophy could be a long one this year.

2. Showtime: AP and Reggie Bush playing each other this week and a solid squad from top to bottom have got to have Loynes happy about where he stands in week 1. The picks may have taken 3 years to make, but they all seemed to be the right ones on draft day for Papa Nick. A sign the Gods may be smiling on Showtime? A week 1 cake-walk against the flustered Boobies in America.

3. Italian Ice: Year after Year GM Nick Pinto sits back and makes the sensible choices. He doesn’t try to find sleepers. He doesn’t try to outsmart himself. Instead, the former champ just takes the best available player on the board. This year the strategy netted him Arian Foster and MJD in back-to-back picks. Looks like no amount of ICE will cool this team down…

4. Pacific Island Boys: The good news for GM JG Thorington: His WR corps can only be topped by the boys on the Wiseau roster. The bad? If he was any thinner at Running Back he’d be following Tome Aprik’s diet. It’s boom or bust for the PIB’s this year but in a 0.5 PPR league, the WR strategy has paid off before (see: BIA 2012).

5. Cincinnati Bowties: GM Will Kerridge certainly likes his big names. The strongest RB class in the league, the big question for Kerridge is a two parter: Russell Wilson’s full-season viability as a QB Starter and a combined age of 239 between his three starting WR’s. Still, the ever-looming Luck of the BT’s can never be discounted. And lucky for Kerridge, the draft fell during his off-week: This guy has nothing else to do but be ready to go.

6. Blue Polaski’s Boys: Demarco Murray. Desean Jackson. Forte. Owen Daniels. Roethlisberger (once RG3 gets hurt). It’s impossible to define why, but this is a classic Mike Lay team. Maybe it’s that Lay rarely drifts from his strategy of forgoing high-ceiling/low-floor teams for steady performance. The BPB’s aren’t gonna set the world on fire, but it’s a guarantee they’ll be fighting for the playoffs until the final weeks of the season.

7. Weekend at Bernie’s: A ton of upside for GM Josh Thorington’s crew but how many ACL’s will this team have by the end of the season? Cam Newton, Hakeem Nicks, Lesean McCoy, Jason Witten, Fred Jackson: WAB must have a lockerroom pool going to see which player will shatter their ankle first. A paper-thin team that could fly high if they stay healthy. (They won’t).

8. Ronald Weasels: Brady was a steal. A strong WR corps and the addition of Darren Sproles prevents GM Tom Aprik from having to start Gioavani Bernard. Still, there’s something uninspiring about the Weasels this year. Beyond Brady, who’s going to stand up and lead in the lockerroom? Aprik’s won the whole thing before but hasn’t been relevant in years. Will this be another year of waiting for Weasel fans?

9. Boobies in America: GM Dennis Lazar is playing the long-game this year. After proving that you can win a title with a mediocre group of running backs, as long as they start for their team and you have enough of them, Lazar is doubling down on the same strategy as last year. No one has a better track record of picking out WR sleepers but if Golden Tate and Kendall Wright don’t break out this year, it could be a sad title defense for the league’s greatest franchise.

10. Jackie Paper Thin Skins: This is a pretty miserable team. Lay went Brees in the second round and then not content to only ruin his own season, convinced BIA GM Dennis Lazar to follow suit with Aaron Rogers. Brees is going to be a monster but is anyone putting money on a Marshawn Lynch – DeAngelo Williams – Mark Ingram backfield?

11. Dumblethor’s Army: It’s not that GM Dylan Thorington’s team is bad, it’s that if a few sleepers don’t emerge from the bench this team is so thin you might as well call them Tome Aprik’s waist-line. Shonn Greene is the third running back on the roster and did Daniel Thomas even make a roster this year? If Alf Morris of CJ2K go down, they’re taking DA’s title hopes with them.

12. Pitness Initiative: It’s not that Calvin Johnson was a bad pick at #2 overall. CJ will be a beast this year. The problem is leaving yourself with Frank “The Snore” Gore and Isaac Redman as your starting running backs. Pitness are going to be better than people expect this year: Knowshon will be the starter in Denver and Stevie Johnson was a great pick. But you’ve got to be nervous if you’re a Pitness fan when your GM completely panics his first time in the spotlight. Could be a long year for GM Jason Anderson. Or the year’s biggest underdog story…. But probably will be the long year option.


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