Dumblethor’s Army Struggle Early

Posted on September 9, 2013 by


Albus Dumbledore’s reaction after his Army’s Sunday performance

TRAVERSE CITY- Another Sunday, another wave of disappointment and heartache for fans of the Dumblethor’s Army. After the latest of very questionable draft’s for the Army, fans knew not to have their hopes up for this season. As GM and coach Dylan Thorington enters his 5th season at the helm of the storied franchise, questions of sanity, depression and a general all-around bad luck were swirling around the organization leading up to the 2013 TCFFL Draft. On draft night, those questions only intensified as the third round approached Thorington did an excellent job of securing his backfield with the combination of Alfred Morris and Chris Johnson and with Victor Cruz still sitting their available it appeared The Army had something good brewing. That is when Thorington made his inevitable terrible pick and took quarterback Matthew Stafford 2 rounds too early and passed on Cruz.

Well, Cruz did not take kindly to the blatant stupidity and disrespect of Thorington and vowed revenge upon the belittled organization and its fan base. Last night he did just that. Scoring 3
on 5 catches with 118 yards, putting the Pacific Island Boys up and insurmountable 13 points heading into tonight’s final 2 games. When asked about possible rumors of giving up on the season, Thorington did not do much to change public opinion saying “Listen, I know everyone wants to give me a hard time and get on me about a lousy performance but you’ve gotta understand, this team is absolute dog shit.” He then goes on to say “I don’t even know why you people expect anything out of me or this team. We MAY win a game here or there on the account of the opposing team‘s starting quarterback and running back having a freak injury or something like that, but not likely. So…Just give me a break or start cheering for another team.”

At this point, fans have to wonder if Thorington is even in good enough health to run this team. Rumors of uncontrollable eating and massive weight gain have surfaced in the past few weeks as pictures of him eating more that 5 pieces of Little Ceasars deep dish pizza and 6 pieces of crazy bread while drinking Coors Light on draft night came to light.

This comes as no surprise as Thorington is notorious amongst the rest of the TCFFL owners as being the biggest eater in the league but this does not sit well with Army fans. An anonymous fan is quoted as saying “We see him eating out around Traverse City all the time. Some days I swear he goes to one place twice. Lately my buddies have seen him at Hunan’s Chinse Buffet a lot. He used to be at King’s Buffet but I think after the 75 or 76th time he was ready for a new selection. It’s not that I mind his eating except for the fact that he seems to care about eating food more than he does winning.” When asked about that statement Thorington said nothing but shrugged his shoulders with a grin on his face. At his point, it’s safe to say that Thorington cares about having more numbers in his waist line than he does in his win column.

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