Trouble in Paradise? How one man’s crusade for fairness tore the TCFFL apart.

Posted on September 9, 2013 by

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The players names had barely left his mouth when GM Dennis Lazar was being ridiculed for his 75th decent trade offer. It was like screaming into a pillow. Apparently, in the TCFFL, your first draft is supposed to be a finished product. No time or patience for negotiations. No room for honesty. No desire for fairness. The days of the TCFFL being run by a democratic and balanced administration are long gone. In its place: A corrupt system where the poor stay poor because the rich don’t want to share a piece of the pie.  Why should trades happen when we can use the court of public opinion to stifle them in their infancy?

The TCFFL is dead. Long Live Slander.

Rumors of administrative strife between once inseparable allies, Comissioner JG Thorington and his loyal lieutenant Ass Commish DR Lazar JR, have seemed to come to a boiling point. Lazar, one of the strongest and most influential number 2’s in all of fantasy sports seems to have come to the end of his admirably long rope.

Speaking from the Ass Commish office in downtown Chicago, IL, Lazar was clearly a broken man. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. JG Thorington knows where we stand. Unfortunately, so do I. It’s tough that not only is the season over for BIA in week 1, but now it looks like my administrative run may be nearing an end is well. Whoever said ‘nothing lasts forever’ was really on to something.”

Lazar, without directly saying the words, was responding to days of attacks from JG Thorington and his ever-prominent attack-dog Will Kerridge, who had taken to calling a trade unfair as soon as the first letter of the first player in the offers name was spoken. The two men refused to stop at simply rejecting offers made to them and instead decided to slander Lazar (the reigning TCFFL Champion and KOTY) and his every move. No offer could be taken seriously once Will “Lipstick on a Bulldog” Kerridge and JG “Been Giving Up on this League for Months Now” Thorington had their say. How could someone as weak-willed as a Tome Aprik or Josh Thorington enter into negotiations with Lazar when they knew the scorn that awaited them from the Commissioner’s office for doing so? In short, it took two days for Thorington and Kerridge to make Lazar a gollum-like creature who could not even enter the trade floor to begin talks. And so, the Commissioner’s most loyal supporter is helpless to improve his precious (team).

“I guess I’m at peace with what has happened,” Lazar said. “It’s really a question of how much a man can take before his will breaks. Between JG giving up on the league, Will jinxing our match-up three weeks down the road when I’ve already lost, the season-ending performance by the buttholes that make up my roster, and the complete inability to do anything about all of this, I guess I’m just beaten down.”

While Lazar will always have his legion of supporters, it seems the man himself has finally buckled under the weight of league corruption. “You know, I always looked at fantasy football as a fun distraction from the stress and misery. Now instead it’s taken a place at the top of that list.”

Are you or someone you know suffering from clinical depression? Please visit http://www.depressionhelp.com and donate to a good cause. A donation of $25 or more and BIA GM Dennis Lazar will personally leave you a voicemail that includes him saying “Hey” and then sighing sadly.

 

 

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