Stafford’s Leadership Comes Into Question After Loss

Posted on September 17, 2013 by


Photos of Dumblethor’s Army Matthew Stafford at various parties have come to light in the past couple days.


By Rocco Martiellini

It was another tough Sunday for the Dumblethor’s Army organization. After a close lost to the Pacific Island Boys in the opener, GM Dylan Thorington promised a better performance out of his staff and team. Many thought that playing the lowly Boobies in America would lead to the DA’s first victory of the season. They could not have been more wrong. After racing out to an early lead, all seemed to be going as expected. That was until another last minute coaching blunder by DA head coach Peacock Jones.

Going into Sunday night Peacock decided to bench the league’s best defense for the washed up Steelers defense in hopes of a big performace by Boldin against the Seahawks defense. That never happened as Boldin, coming off a career high in catches and yards in a game the previous week, was held to only one catch for seven yards and the Seahawks racked up 3 sacks, 5 turnovers and a safety. When asked about his decision Peacock’s only response was a shoulder shrug and a shake of the head.

Although Sunday was rough on everyone on the DA, it was probably a little more rough on the team’s quarterback, Matthew Stafford. Stafford raced out to a great first half with 220 yards passing and two touchdowns but fluttered late as he only could only muster 58 more yards passing and a pathetic fumble in the second half letdown. It was originally thought that the vaunted Arizona Cardinal’s secondary was the cause for his second half meltdown but after recent photos of him partying have surfaced, fans and players are starting to wonder if a hangover had anything to do with it. As seen above, Stafford’s offseason workout seemed to consist of boats, kegs and women.

Team captain, Anquan Boldin, who spent the offseason on missionary trips to Africa, was very harsh on Stafford saying “We’re out here busting our asses, trying to get Coach Peacock and Mr. Thorington a win while Matt’s off on a boat doing keg stands. The f*** is that all about, man? We need to get him some Jesus.” Rumors of the Army bringing in free agent Tim Tebow in hopes of instilling leadership in the locker room have started to surface. When asked about it, Thorington had this to say, “I, like President Lincoln, cannot tell a lie. We were in talks with Tebow’s representatives but given are lack of any talent on the roster, we just simply cannot afford to have another scrub on our team.”

What’s even more troubling for the organization is Stafford’s apparent denial of there being a problem. “Look, you guys don’t see everything. You don’t see the prep I put in each week for this team. Do I like to party? Hell yeah, I’m from Texas. Do I like kegs? Hell yeah, I went to school at Georgia. Do I like my women? Hell yeah, I’m Matthew f****** Stafford. What I do off the field doesn’t matter, only what I do on the field.” Many thought that after a down year last year Stafford was poised to have a huge season. Only thing he’s been able to wine in seems to be beer pong and keg races.

When we asked Thorington about possible reprimands coming Stafford’s way, Thorington half-jokingly said, “Punishments? I don’t know, having to play with this team should be punishment enough. What do you want me to do? The kid needs AA, not a suspension.” Things do not seem to be looking up as the Army goes on the road this week to take on the 8-point favorites, Italian Ice. Win or lose, Stafford’s going to enjoy himself.

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