Preseason Power Rankings: 2014 Draft-In-Review Edition

Posted on August 28, 2014 by


Power Rankings

The 2014 Draft is in the books, the season is about to start, and only one thing remains certain: After the league descended upon Chicago, IL the ROTY is going to be CROWDED this year.

The league is currently humming along with chatter at fairly low levels, which is probably to be expected when you draft your team approximately 8 months before the actual start of the season. But as Week 1 gets closer, it appears that 2014 will be a season of alliances. Before breaking down individual teams, we first turn to the Alliance Power Rankings.

1. Kings Alliance

Following two straight A+ performance weekends (one in Traverse City, one in Chicago) the Kings Alliance could literally not be any stronger. Drinking, pizza, McDonalds, cigarettes, boating, beer fests, hockey – it’s been an incredible run for the league’s standard bearer alliance.

2. The Lone Wolf Alliance

Josh Thorington roams these lonely fantasy streets as a man apart from it all, but he was still a key part of two straight drinking weekends. And while the man can’t eat a bag of chips like a civilized human being, his one-man alliance is currently holding strong.

3. The Silence Alliance (AKA the Apathy Army)


4. The UM Fanboy Alliance

It’s not that individually, the members of the UMFA aren’t strong. It’s that the inevitable has happened: Rob “No Attention Span” Lay (see: Beer and coffee brewing businesses, the refridgerator refurb project, etc.) has already begun to pull away from his alliance. Lay only seems capable of talking about UM basketball and changing the Groupme topic to “UFA alliance is weakening” and it can’t be good for the other two members of his crew. Dylan Thorington on the other hand, has become a surprising non-presence on Groupme in recent weeks. And Will Kerridge seems more at home as a Kings Alliance hanger-on, chainsmoking cigs to his heart’s content, than he ever did as a member of the UFA. This one, just doesn’t seem built to last.

And now for the Team Power Rankings…

1. Jackie Paper Thin Skins.

Draft Grade: B-

Dez Bryant in the first round certainly raised some eyebrows, especially since Dez is a scumbag who has trouble staying on the field. But there’s no denying that Lay got the guy he wanted. JPTS are going to live or die based on Dez in 2014. On the other hand, no one’s jumping for a joy with a RB duo of Gio Bernard and Bernard “Him!?” Pierce. While the JPTS had a fairly mediocre draft, the general feeling that it’s Lay’s year and nothing can stop it, have JPTS sitting comfortably atop the TCFFL heap.

2. Boobies in America

Draft Grade: A

What a wonderful time the pre-season is. When BIA GM Dennis Lazar can sit back and appreciate his incredible managerial efforts without worrying about how The Curse will ultimately ravage the stellar roster he’s put together. After pulling off the greatest GM effort in league history last year by guiding BIA to the playoffs, Lazar somehow wound up with three top-15 players out of the 8th pick. What’s more, he was even able to pair up Tom Brady and Julian Edelman for a double-dipsy-doo-dunkaroo that should have BIA fans cheering for at least 3 weeks before both players collide with each other during a pre-game horse-around session, leaving them both with torn ACL’s that end their season. An incredible effort by GM Lazar for a team that’s ultimately doomed.

3. Ronald Weasels

Draft Grade: A-

GM Tom “Diaper” Aprik hasn’t been relevant in years, but his 2014 roster could change that. Solid from top to bottom, Aprik attacked the 2014 draft pool like it was a carrot salad with dressing on the side. Fred Jackson, a top 10 back last year, is currently sitting on the bench, just like the fried chicken Tome picked off his salad at the draft. Unlike the chicken, there’s no way the Weasel’s can avoid F-Jax forever. If QB Nick Foles can put together another solid year, the toilet won’t be the only BOWL Aprik visits this year.

4. Cincinnati Bowties (Aka the Matthew Berry’s)

Draft Grade: B+

ESPN’s Matthew Berry did a great job putting this team together with the 6th pick. GM Will “Cigarette” Kerridge, acting as a proxy for the ESPN fantasy analyst, was able to nab almost every one of Berry’s sleeper picks for 2014. The gangs all here: Boom-or-bust Ellington, Cordarelle “Everyone’s blow-up candidate” Patterson, and Eddie “Matthew Berry literally said I could possibly be the #1 pick overall” Lacy. While some criticize Kerridge for not having fun with fantasy and actually making the picks himself, there’s no doubt the Bowties will be laughing all the way to the Dusty.

5. Aptos Sharks

Draft Grade: B+

GM Jason Anderson is always an early-season performer, and this year should be no different. This is a VERY solid roster from top to bottom. Anderson even handcuffed the iffy Zac Stacy with Bennie Cunnigham… And drafting Romo to replace the sure-to-be-injured RG3 was a stroke of genius… You know what, looking at this roster, the Mudsharks clearly deserve to be number 2 in the power rankings. Allow us to re-rank.


2. Aptos Sharks

3. BIA

4. RW

5. CBT

6. Blue Polaski’s Boys

Draft Grade: B (as in, “Been here B-fore”)

Did GM Mike Lay just copy the same roster he’s had for the past 4 years? It sure seems like it. Antonio Brown, Reggie Bush, AP.. These guys just seem like BPB players. Getting AP with the third pick had to have made Papa Lay happy, but many wonder if the old man’s heartburn issues won’t sideline him at some point this season. BPB fans have gotten close to glory without tasting it for years now – their only championship possibly due to JG Thorington forgetting who actually won the title in ’07 and simply throwing Mike on the trophy – and it’s going to require a dedicated GM to get them over the hump. Not sure if Lay has it in him.

7. Dumblethor’s Army

Draft Grade: B+

A higher draft grade than teams above them on the Power Rankings? Well, there’s only one word for the DA roster at the moment: TOUGH.

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Draft Grade: B

GM Jeff Spencer has the pieces for an incredible team: Two top-5 TE’s (including Jimmy Graham), two comeback king candidates (Matt Ryan, Larry Fitz), and a solid workhorse (Leveon Bell). But it’s still hard to forget what the Wiseau’s missed out on by giving Ice GM Nick Pinto their draft sheet before the draft. Mainly that Leveon Bell’s name could be replaced by Demarco Murray’s – which would have likely locked up a second straight championship for GM Spencer. But now instead, the Wiseau’s are trotting out Toby Gearhart as their #2 RB, and really, does anyone feel good about that?

9. WAB

Draft Grade: B-

A solid, veteran core at the top of the roster will have to overcome a lot of sins at the bottom. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, likes having Ryan Matthews in the starting lineup. Ditto for Mike “giant f*cking baby” Wallace. “Ben Tate? Ugh.” – everyone who’s ever owned Ben Tate… Riley Cooper? Racist. Brian “Will make you want to quit fantasy” Hartline? Have fun, WABs!

10. Showtime

Draft Grade: C+ (As in Centrum, the pills 90% of this roster will need to start taking soon)

Prediction: Showtime comes out of the gate hot with their men’s 35+ rec league roster. Then they fade. This is arguably the oldest team ever assembled in fantasy football. Peyton, Andre J, Arian Foster, Steven Jackson, Ray Rice… At least if Showtime fades, they’ll have some really competitive shuffleboard tournaments in the locker room. You’ve got to hand it to GM Nick Loynes – at a certain point he realized how old his team was shaping up to be and he just went all in on it.

11. Italian Ice

Draft Grade: C+

Maybe the Ice deserve to be higher. But frankly, Matthew Stafford will throw 9 ints a game. And a starting lineup with a bottom half of Chris Johnson – Greg Olson – Sammy Watkins has so many questions it looks like the Riddler drafted this team. The Ice also have maybe the thinnest bench in the league: Bishop “Wait, why was I drafted” Sankey, Danny “Have fun with me!” Woodhead, Shonn “I gave birth to the word OOF” Greene, Danny “Week 2 Concussion” Amendola… The Ice aren’t out of it, but they need all the chips to fall right.

12. PIB’s

Draft Grade: C+

Somebody had to be last. Here’s why the PIB’s are currently sitting at 12: Colin Kaepernick is a frustrating fantasy QB. CJ Spiller may be the worst RB1 in the league. Pierre Thomas is a third string (admittedly solid PPR performer) RB on his own team, but is sitting firmly as the PIB’s #2 back. And then the bench… Oh boy, it gets ugly on the bench. Trent “the garbage fire” Richardson highlights a bunch of shitheads with names like: Mike Evans, Jarret Boykin, Dri Archer, and Tim Wright. WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS? Woof. Just woof.



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