Week 2 Power Rankings: If They Win Edition

Posted on September 11, 2014 by


Power Rankings

The first week of the 2014 TCFFL season is in the books and there’s really only one thing to say: This season is what we thought it was. That’s right, it’s the Year of Dez-tiny (aka The Year of the Papes) and there’s nothing you can do to stop it but invest all of your salary and multiple childrens’ college funds in anti-jinxing technology. Because not only does JPTS GM Rob Lay have a juggernaut of a roster, but Lay is also wielding jinxes with an effectiveness we haven’t seen since, well…


On to the rankings.

1. Jackie Paper Thin Skins

Before this team was drafted, every pundit was in agreement that GM Rob Lay would be bringing The Dusty back to suburban Mid-Michigan at year’s end. 140 some points and the weekly $20 high scorer-prize later, the only question remaining for the Thin Skins is: Will they lose a game in the regular season?

If they win, it will be the 10,309,409,349,120th piece of evidence in human history that the universe is a cruel and meaningless place where only the most ruthless and cold-hearted succeed. Also it will be proof that jinxing is real (unless that was already settled when GM Jeff Spencer rode a GroupMe name of “Last Place Tommy” all the way to the 2013 title… Yeah, that was definitely it.)

2. Tommy Wiseau’s Close-Quarter’s American Football Club

The last time GM Jeff Spencer’s squad lost, there were like two TCFFL babies. If they can hang on for another couple weeks, that number will climb to approximately eleven. GM Jeff Spencer has been performing at fantasy’s highest level for almost a full calendar year and at this point, the only thing looking like it could stop the Wiseau’s may be the team’s over-reliance on jinxing (if Week 2 Opponent Will Kerridge’s accusations of roster-projected-points tampering are to be believed) or the brick wall that is meeting JPTS in the finals.

If they win, the TCFFL will have its newest crown prince GM. Drafting out of the 12 spot will now be considered the prize of the lottery. The chances of the Dusty remaining unbroken into 2015 drop to eight percent.

3. Ronald Weasels

Two Kings Alliance members in the top three of the Power Rankings proves that the KA’s off-season team building exercises have paid off. Now, it’s up to the notoriously scared-to-wheel-and-deal GM Tom Aprik to maintain the momentum his team gained in their week 1 butthole explosion over the Aptos Sharks. There are question marks on this team: Mainly, how much can you really trust Nick ‘Smokin’ Poles’ Foles and Rashard “You think you’re getting more than 2 yards per carry you’re kidding yourself” Jennings to fill out your starting lineup. But with Aprik’s willingness to welcome scumbag pothead Josh Gordon back to the team with open arms, the Weasels may have a few tricks still up their sleeves.

If they win, Aprik and the Weasels will rejoin the conversation of the league’s best franchises, after a few years wandering lost in the desert of mediocrity.

4. Blue Polaski’s Boys

Well, this looks familiar. GM Mike Lay, despite failing to ever win the big one, has to be considered one of the TCFFL’s most consistent GM’s at this point. When is the last time BPB were ever out of contention? For now, BPB may have the most balanced roster in the league – but with a backfield of AP, Reggie Bush and Shane Vareen, it’s more a question of WHO’s knee explodes into a pile of dust first, rather than IF any will. Steve Smith Sr. should round out the roster nicely by providing tales of what life was like in the Great Depression to inspire the troops.

If they win, it will be a rough off-season for league chatter.

5. Milford Academy

Tough name, solid game. GM Josh Thorington reached deep into the toasty center of his gut to pull out one of the most memorable regular-season victories in TCFFL history this week, ripping the heart out of beloved twin JG Thorington by less than a point (I think, I’m too lazy to look it up). Every year, at least 5 GM’s forget that Calvin Johnson should probably be the first overall pick no matter what. But Josh didn’t forget – and the MA could soon be REMEMBERING the feel of the Dusty in their hands… but then again, with an RB duo of Frank Gore and Mark Ingram, probably not.

If they win, the league better pray Josh comes up with something better than Milford Academy to immortalize on the trophy.

6. Pacific Island Boys

It swelled the hearts of fantasy fans everywhere to see that GM JG Thorington’s Pacific Island Boys finally looked like real contenders this year – until their devastating loss to the MA on Monday night dropped a shower fart on everything that is beautiful in this world. Now, pundits are wondering if the PIB’s can recover from the early-season tragedy. GM JG Thorington hasn’t coached through many meaningful stretches before, but he’s a known motivator and all around class act who’s going to need to dig deep to get his boys back on track toward the trophy that bears his former name.

If they win, look for Israel and Palestine to declare peace forever, cancer to be cured, and the leaders of every nation coming together to agree that the world will now rely solely on solar power.

7. Dumblethor’s Army

The good news: DA got a rare Week 1 victory, hopefully setting them on the path to contention for the first time in… forever? The bad news: With the first overall pick, GM Dylan Thorington was only able to produce 92 points in the team’s first game. That, to be frank, is a worrying sign for the Army. The DA currently have Carlos Hyde in their starting lineup, which… yikes. That’s… tough. Oof.

If they win, dogs will kiss cats, it will rain merlot, and Vlad Putin will make a global TV address to the world where he announces, “I JUST KIDDING!”

8. Italian Ice

DO NOT SLEEP ON THE ICE. 110 points in a loss is a tough pill to swallow for Smilin’ Nick Pinto, but with Demarco Murray looking like a fantasy MVP candidate and Matthew Stafford finally realizing it’s not against the rules for QB’s to run outside of the pocket, the Ice may make a return to the playoffs in 2014. HOWEVER, not all is rosy in Italian Ice-land. Pinto’s bench dropped a pathetic 16 points COMBINED in Week 1 – which is really to be expected when you’re holding on to hope for Bishop “Seriously, what did I do to deserve be drafted” Sankey and Lance “Seriously? You picked me? I guess I’ll go get my pads… I didn’t bring them.. didn’t really expect I’d be on a roster, to be honest” Dunbar. The Ice are clearly top heavy, but will they crack?

If they win, there will be smiles on the face of every man, woman and child. Oh and the league will probably die in the off-season from inactivity and lack of controversy.

9. Cincinnati Bowties

It wouldnt be fantasy football without Will “Chicken Little” Kerridge declaring that the sky is falling in Week 1. After all the tears and self-pity, both CBT starting RB’s are set to play (and likely dominate) in Week 2. Sure there are 5 injury notifications on Kerridge’s roster at the moment, but does anyone really expect any of these guys to sit? Look for Jay “Cry Baby” Cutler and Brandon “Probably supports Ray Rice” Marshall to put up some big numbers against the Wiseaus this week.

If they win, see JPTS’ “If they Win” paragraph.

10. Boobies in America

The first ever team that is literally too-well assembled to produce on the field. GM Dennis Lazar did such a good job drafting, he now has 6 guys competing for 3 spots – and with that much up in the air, there is no way BIA will be able to put the best product in the starting lineup week after week. Lazar has always had the league’s best eye for talent, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when the BIA GM exchanged an emotional reunion hug with Knowshon Moreno after the RB’s huge Week 1 game. But unfortunately, it looks like the Curse has had enough of Lazar’s unprecedented recent success – and is now striking back with a vengeance.

If they win, we’ll need to send some people down to Hell to ask the Devil how he likes the snow.

11. Showtime

A sad 85 points in Week 1 and a bench player who is literally not in the league at the moment. Things are tough for Showtime right now. It’s unlikely any silver-linings can be drawn for this team… Victor “Eli passes to me, what do you expect” Cruz, Steven “Please Just Let Me Die” Jackson, and Jordan “Draft me now, hate me for the next 12 weeks” Cameron combined for an ugly 15 points in the Showtime starting lineup. At least GM Nick Loynes can rely on Peyton Manning, which actually does count for something. Not enough that any sane person would bet on Showtime making the playoffs.. but still.. something.

If they win, they wont.

12. Aptos Sharks

In all honesty, this just looked like a bad week for the Sharks. But the fact of the matter is that if you almost break the record for least amount of points ever scored in a week, you’re going to be 12th in the Power Rankings. Poor GM Jason Anderson may need to change his team name to The Easter Bunny the way this crew is dropping eggs. Doug “Fartin” Martin is confirming everyone’s worst fears (that he literally had one good game in his entire career and is actually a piece of garbage in the backfield), while NO ONE in the Aptos starting lineup felt the need to break into double digits. The Sharks are not as bad as they were in Week 1, so for now, the less said, the better.

If they win, we’ll never see The Dusty again.

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