Week 3 Power Rankings: An Historical Race For 2nd Place

Posted on September 17, 2014 by

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Power Rankings

It’s an historic year in the TCFFL – with both the greatest and possibly the worst team ever assembled in the league hitting the field every week. With that in mind, we look forward to the next three months of action by taking a peak back into the past 2,000 years.

1-4. Jackie Paper Thin Skins

Historical Comparison: Ghengis Khan

khan

Ghengis Khan was the ruler of the greatest empire history has ever known. He was ruthless and violent and would step on a baby if it meant he could get to where he was going 5 seconds faster. To find his modern day equivalent, look no further than GM Rob Lay and the Jackie Paper Thin Skins. Lay is using a never-before-seen-at-this-scale combination of jinxing, slander, and luck to put together the greatest season in TCFFL history. There are no questions like: Can they go undefeated? Will they win highest scorer every week? And, ‘Will one of the league’s least classiest GM’s winning the title ruin the TCFFL?’ Because instead of wondering about the hypothetical answers, we’re all living the reality.

5. Dumblethor’s Army

Historical Comparison: Princess Diana

diana

GM Dylan Thorington was mainly famous by association (first because of his brother, Commissioner JG Thorington, then because of his unholy union with the UM Fanboy Alliance (UFA)) just like Diana Spencer was when she married into the Royal Family. But like Princess Di, Dylan used his place in the spotlight to achieve things on his (her) own: The DA’s 2-0 start is very similar to Diana’s work eradicating landmines… or curing AIDS… whatever it was she used to do.  Now the only question remaining for Dyl Thor is: Will the DA season end in a high-speed car crash? Or will there be the coronation of a new king?

6. Blue Polaski’s Boys

Historical Comparison: Jeb Bush

jeb

GM Mike Lay’s team is always competitive, much like Jeb Bush’s fairly low-key governorship of Florida. But in both cases, the quiet leader has been out-shined (both in the press and in prestige) by a controversial brother. There are always rumors Jeb is ready to make a run for the Presidency, much like there is always talk that “this year” will finally be the year BPB get over their championship hump… but in both cases, the reign of the brother has many hoping Mike and Jeb don’t reach the same levels of success.

7. TC Ticklers

Historical Comparison: See link

8. Cincinnati Bowties

Historical Comparison: Vladimir Putin

putin

“What do you mean? I’m not trying to take over Ukraine? I’m just trying to make sure my people in Crimea are treated right. It’s the USA who are to blame and can’t be trusted.”

“What do you mean? I’m not trying to jinx Jeff and The Wiseaus? I’m serious: I wish I was in Jeff’s shoes. I really would rather be up 6 and have Tyler Ertz than have Ahmad Bradshaw and an “injured” Antonio Gates left to play… Damn, good win Jeff. Not even a jinx. And do not trade with BIA GM D.R. Lazar – he can’t be trusted.”

No one pretends something isn’t happening (jinxing, slander, hostile international takeovers), when it clearly is, like Will and Vlad. The parallels are so clear, it’s almost scary.

RUNNER UP CHOICE: Rasputin

9. Tommy Wiseau’s Close-Quarter American Football Club

Historical Comparison: Jimmy Carter

carter

Jeff and Jimmy. Two gentle souls who briefly reached the pinnacle before being attacked from every angle by a brash opposition. Much like Jimmy Carter’s installation of solar panels on the White House, GM Jeff Spencer tried to make the league better in Week 1 by sharing a respectful, non-jinxing matchup with fellow KA Member D.R. Lazar Jr. But despite their best efforts, both Jeff and Jimmy were shockingly and quickly brought back down to the unfortunate reality of the world we live in. (The 1980 election = Wiseau’s Week 2 matchup with the mud-slinging Bowties). Given the chance, both could do great things – but one wonders if Jeff’s kind nature (and refusal to jinx) will take him out of contention, just like it did Jimmy.

10. Ronald Weasels

Historical Comparison: Amelia Earhart

Amelia Earhart

A woman forging her way in a world dominated by men. An MSU Spartan fighting for his place in a league dominated by salty UM fans. Both Weasel GM Tom Aprik and aviator Amelia Earhart achieved greatness early (Amelia’s solo Atlantic flight, Tom’s 2010 TCFFL title) before being lost for years (Amelia over the Pacific, Tom into the ocean of fantasy mediocrity). The Weasels are a team looking for redemption, much like mystery hunters were looking for an answer to Amelia’s last flight. In the latter case, it was actually pretty obvious (her bones were found washed up on an island in her flight path) – and now the Weasels are hoping to be “found” before they themselves are simply a skeleton of their past glory.

11. Pacific Island Boys

Historical Comparison: Barack Obama

obama

JG Thorington spent the first few years of his administration riding a joyous wave of hope and change. The league (and the country) were full of optimism for the future. And while JG has implemented some sweeping reforms (Dustycare, Live Drafts, Parliamentary procedure, Podcasts), his leadership has recently experienced one new crises after another, with many wishing the Commissioner would take a stronger stand: As the UFA runs rampant over the league on their quest to destroy the TCFFL, JG Thorington has been mysteriously quiet and inactive in any attempts to reign in the fringe group. The parallels to the current President of the United States are obvious. (UFA = Ferguson, Putin, Gun Control, The Tea Party). Much like President Obama’s long-term legacy is still up for debate, the PIB’s on-the-field identity has yet to be permanently established: Are the PIB’s a gang of perpetual underachievers? Or is this the year they break through?

12. Italian Ice

Historical Comparison: Pope Francis

Pope Francis waves to crowds as he arrives to his inauguration mass on 19 March 2013.

Both entered the spotlight as unknowns, replacing unpopular figures who’s time in the post was short-lived. And both quickly became beloved across the world (league). Ice GM Nick Pinto achieved success early (the 2011 TCFFL Championship) just like Pope Francis (when everyone gave him props for the picture of him not being afraid to touch the guy with boils all over his face).. Pinto and Francis are sensible, modest men who do a fine job leading their organizations – even if they haven’t made headlines with the same frequency they once did.

13. Boobies in America

Historical Comparison: Napoleon

napoleon

Stop. Before you even say it: Napoleon wasn’t actually short for his time. Napoleon measured 5’2′ in FRENCH units, which were larger than Imperial Units. In our measurement system, Napoleon would actually measure around 5’7, which was average, even above average for his time. The rumors of him being short were the result of 1) Miscommunication of the measurement system and 2) A smear campaign by the British (hmm.. that sounds familiar).

No, the reason BIA and Napoleon are alike is due to their achievements. Both GM D.R. Lazar Jr. and Napoleon reached the greatest heights a man can achieve (2012 TCFFL Championship when the league was in full-competitive mode, the Napoleonic Wars) and ushered in long-standing policies that still make the world (league) we live in a better place (Trade Fairness Protection Act, The Metric System). However, at the height of their influence, both GM Lazar and Napoleon were exiled (Lazar slandered by the UFA into the land of “no trades”, Napoleon to the island of Elba). And like Napoleon’s amazing escape from exile and subsequent take over of France for another glorious 100 days, Lazar must hope he too can scale the mountain peak on which he once resided.

14. Showtime

Historical Comparison: Ted Kaczynsky (The Unabomber)

ted

Showtime GM Nick Loynes and Ted Kaczynsky are two peas in a pod. Both U of M graduates. Both write infrequent letters full of mostly nonsense, with one legitimate good idea usually tucked in there somewhere. Both haven’t achieved anything near the success they hoped: Kaczynsky’s protest against the erosion of modern human freedom necessitated by modern technologies requiring large-scale organization was about as effective as Showtime’s efforts to bring home The Dusty… That is to say, the major threats to our society (The NSA and The UFA) are going strong, while those who tried to stand up to them (Kaczynsky and Loynes)? Not so much.

15. Aptos Sharks

Historical Comparison: John Jacob Astor

astor

John Jacob Astor must have felt pretty good on April 10th, 1912 as the richest man to board the RMS Titanic for its maiden voyage. That same feeling must have been in the heart of Aptos Sharks GM Jason Anderson on August 23rd, 2014 when he sat down with the 2nd pick in the TCFFL Draft. Astor and Anderson, two young, fortunate fellows with their world out in front of them…

But very quickly, both men realized they were riding a first class ticket on a sinking ship… RIP Titanic. RIP Aptos.

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