Week 5 Power Rankings: TCFFL Mailbag Edition

Posted on October 2, 2014 by

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Power Rankings

What a week. From a meltdown that produced our first “I quit my alliance” email of the season – to a team establishing themselves as possibly the biggest guts-beaters we’ve ever seen, there was only one way to really capture the action-packed week that was. And so, we’re opening up the mailbag.

1a. Blue Polaski’s Boys

Q: Dios Mio, THREE guys scoring 30 points? Ayiiiii! Can the Blue Polaski’s actually go undefeated this season? And what would it mean for the league to have a bottom-4 participator bring home the title? Keep up the good work, ese!

– Miguel S. in Guadalajara

A: It’s shocking, really. Just when we thought the Jackie Paper Thin Skins had it locked up, GM Mike Lay has one more old-man trick up the sleeve covering his wrinkled, liver-spotted arm: Steve Smith Sr.. I mean, are you kidding me? Blue and the Boys looked pretty stacked – and with Terrance West, Knile Davis, and Adrian “Switch Hitter” Peterson on the bench, they’ve got the depth to take take home The Dusty… As for what that would mean for the league? The TCFFL is already dangling by a thread, and now that Jeff Spencer appears to have fled the reservation, a silent champion could cripple this once-proud league for good.

1b. Jackie Paper Thin Skins

Q: I’m the Thin Skins biggest fan. Me and the boys were talking at our latest clan rally, and we were wondering if last week’s scare against the DA was a sign of things to come – or if we should feel good that GM Rob Lay was able to easily jinx away any trouble to secure the win. Gotta go, the Grand Wizard is banging the gavel to get started!

Henry A. in Tupelo, Mississippi

A: Definitely the latter, Henry. As soon as things got touch-and-go for the Skins, GM Rob Lay was ready with a full arsenal of jinxes (including emailing every Defense’s highest scoring week to ensure that the DA’s D would fail – which they did). An early-season loss has done nothing to diminish the greatest season of jinxing we’ve ever seen. No one has ever wielded them with the precision and efficiency that Lay has in 2014. The 2014 championship game is guaranteed to be a Brother Bowl – and that bowl could be filled with an ugly, low-sugar ice cream. Metaphorically speaking.

3. Italian Ice

Q: Ice GM Nick Pinto is known as one of the good guys in the TCFFL. But where does his hi-jacking of Jeff Spencer’s draft sheet, and subsequent robbery of Demarco Murray (one pick before Jeff), land him on the list of most despicable acts of 2014?

Bootsy in Hamtramck, Michigan

A: Great question, Bootsy. The battle for 2014’s low point is a heated one between Will Kerridge’s week-long GroupMe temper tantrum, Josh Thorington’s Week 3 email performance against BIA, Will Kerridge hitting a golf ball in a glass-windowed apartment, Will Kerridge and the TC Microbrew Brattiness-that-shall-not-be-named, Dylan Thorington dumping pretzels on the ground and apparently doing a Micronesian stomp-dance on them, and Rob Lay acting like he already lost to the “buzz saw PIB’s” this morning. But behind all those, Pinto’s Demarco heist is right up there.

4. Boobies In America

Q: Obviously, the Boobies are the most admired team in the league. But unfortunately, they’re also the most attacked. And frankly, I find it disgraceful and upsetting that one of our nation’s proudest institutions is faced with so much slander… Anyway, now that they’ve jumped out to a 3-1 start, can BIA possibly keep it up?

Barack O. in Washington D.C.

A: Sadly for fans of fantasy football and class in general, No. The BIA are in trouble, and here’s why: The Curse is working its  most devious magic, starting from the bottom of the BIA roster and working its way up. First Deangelo goes down. Then Cecil. Then Knowshon. Then Cecil and Deangelo again. It’s only a matter of time until GM D. R. Lazar Jr. runs out of brilliant moves (see: benching Tom Brady in Week 2) and succumbs to the onslaught on the horizon.

5. Ronald Weasels

Q: Who faced the tougher challenge? The brave U.S. soldiers working their way up Ohama Beach on June 6th, 1944 – or the Weasels playing JPTS and BPB in back to back weeks?

Wesley B. in Cooperstown, New York.

A: How dare you, Wesley. Your question was insensitive and disrespectful to everything those brave men went through. The bloody, unrelenting battle they fought for days on end. The evil they were forced to stare in the face, with no hope for survival. You should be ashamed Wesley, and if you had any decency you’d apologize to the entire Ronald Weasel’s roster for denigrating what they’ve been through the past two weeks.

6. Pacific Island Boys

Q: Hallo. My name is Julio Chattunga Teo. I was born on the island of Micronesia in 2007. Can you please put me in contact with PIB GM Justin Thorington. I have been looking for him for a very long time. There is something I need to tell him.

Julio T. in Micronesia

A: … That wasn’t a fantasy football question, Julio.

7. Dumblethor’s Army

Q: They win two, then they lose two. They demand unreasonable trades, then GM Dyl Thor fleeces his older brother. The DA is as hard to pin down as a crumple-horned snorkback! I want to know: Will Dylan being saying “Accio” to The Dusty, or will he be locked in the BBB dungeon once again?

Aberforth D. in England

A: It’s hard to figure out what we’ve got with the Army. They certainly had a chance to make a major statement against an under-1oo point Papers performance last week (certainly the only time that will happen this year), but they came up short. On the other hand, The Cobb-Benjamin-Jeffrey trio may be the best WR core in the league. But then on the other, other hand, McCoy and Ivory could be one of the worst RB duos in the TCFFL! This team is maddening! Trying to figure them out is like trying to understand why Barty Crouch Jr. made Harry win the Tri-Wizard Cup instead of just turning his book into a portkey or something… It makes no sense!

8. Tommy Wiseau Close-Quarters Football Club

Q: Oh, hay Mailbag! Football is such a bute-i-ful sports. I love football and and I love The Wiseaus so much. I’m so happy to have them as my best team. But I wonder why our GM says “Goodbye Cruel World”. We need him back. YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, Jeff. Will he come back?

Tommy W. in San Francisco

A: You’re asking the question of the week, Tommy. GM Jeff Spencer suffered the type of loss only one other GM has ever been through before (GM D.R. Lazar Jr. – who lost his playoff spot in the final MNF game when Michael Vick put up 50 points). Spencer seems to have thrown in the towel on 2014, giving up his supportive alliance and wandering into the fantasy wilderness alone. But the season is young – and a few wins could have Jeff right back on his feet, playing friendly games of alley catch and toss.

9. Aptos Sharks

Q: How come bars try to trick you when they ask if you want a tall? They know you think it means double-alcohol, but really it just means double pop (or soda for you non-Midwesterners). It’s a dirty trick and I don’t appreciate it. Don’t beat around the bush. They should ask, “Do you want extra chaser” instead. I mean, who the shit wants extra chaser?

Quintin P. in Duffys Bar (Chicago)

A: You raise a great point, Quintin. But just remember that bars, like any corporation or business, are soulless entities only out for their own bottom line. The minute you think a company, corporation, or business cares about YOU, you’ve already lost the battle.

10. Cincinnati Bowties

Q: I’m gone be honest. I attend the Bowties practice every gol’ darn day, and they look sharp. The kids on that roster are workin’ hard, bustin’ their tails, day in and day out. But I’ll be dog gone if these kids don’t just come out flat each and every Sunday. And that’s on the coaching. That’s on the execution. On GM Will Kerridge. But I truly believe this team can win The Dusty if they just fix the dol garn issues with the DEFENSE roster spot. Am I right or am I right?

Brady H. in Olive Garden (Ann Arbor, Michigan)

A: You’re not right, Brady. In times of trouble, a team needs a strong leader, not a guy who’s going to pout for seven days. The Bowties have some talent, and you can’t discount the role that luck plays for them – but until changes are made at the top, I don’t see the CBT’s being a real contender.

11. TC Ticklers

Q: Ayy, Let’s-a cut to the chase, I’m a busy baker who has toast in the oven and it’s about to get-a burned. The Ticklers are my favorite team. And now that our GM seems to have finally got a good team name, I want to know if the gabone also landed the worst-a roster in the league?

Enzio The Baker in Little Italy, NYC

A: Boy, it sure looks like it. An RB Duo of Frank Gore and Khiry Robinson? Drew Brees on a down year? Isaiah Crowell at the flex. Get all your “OOFS” out of the attic, we’re gonna need all the help we can get! Not to mention, this might be the worst bench in the league… Better butter up a full loaf Enzio, this could be a long season for the Ticklers.

12. Showtime

Q: Anyone who watched the TCFFL 2014 Draft broadcast remembers the vacant, devastated look on GM Nick Loynes face as he started reviewing the roster he put together. But are Showtime really as bad as their record?

Fireworks Kyle in Fenton, Michigan

A: Showtime is definitely not as bad as their 0-4 record would have you believe. Take a look at those Points Against… Showtime has about EIGHTY more PA than any other team. Over 150 points more than most teams in the league. It’s been an early run of bad luck for GM Nick Loynes, but it could be too much misery too soon – and the curtains may be closing before Showtime even begins.

 

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