Week 7 Power Rankings: Fear Edition

Posted on October 15, 2014 by


Power Rankings

This week in the TCFFL there has been a lot of talk about victims and their abusers. Certain GM’s have been so ruthlessly attacked, for so long, that they have tried to exit from the league in attempt to save what’s left of their fragile psyche. On the other hand, certain abusers in the league, who were always known for their cruel ways, have taken things to a new level after seeing their team’s subpar play on the field. So with that, we move on to the Week 7 Power Rankings by discussing a topic known to all:

Fear. As in, how afraid of each team is the rest of the TCFFL?

(Also, Halloween is coming!)

1. Jackie Paper Thin-Skins

Fear Level: Brady Hoke has been given control of the United States’ nuclear arsenal, with full decision making powers.

There is no team more feared in the league than GM Rob Lay’s Jackie Paper Thin Skins. Each week, the Thin Skins opponent is left, crying in the corner, shell-shocked at what they’ve been through the past week. In week 7, it’s started early, with Lay claiming that because he’s projected to win by the same amount of points as last week, it’s a guaranteed loss. (Yeah, we don’t get it either). Adding to what is easily the most effective season of jinxing the TCFFL has ever seen, the Thin Skins may also be fielding the best roster in the league. Aaron Rodgers is just starting to heat-up, much like the blood pressure of Thin Skins opponents everywhere.

2. Blue Polaski’s Boys

Fear Level: Russell Bellamy is putting his helmet on and warming up.

BPB have been terrifying all comers in 2014. GM Mike Lay has settled on one of the most brilliant strategies in recent memory by claiming that jinxes don’t exist…which has allowed him to drop a devastating jinx with every other breath. Beyond GroupMe, the BPB’s have somehow gone 6-0 without the services of Adrian Peterson (or Reggie Bush for the most part). The Boys now march into the 4-2 Italian Ice’s turf as 63% favorites (!!!!). Luck is on their side, both at QB and in the cosmic sense – and Mike Lay is striking fear into the hearts of everyone, except for his own brother.

3. Italian Ice

Fear Level: You’re home alone and you just heard a noise in the basement.

Much like the basement noise, it’s hard to know where Ice’s success is coming from. And that’s what’s scary. Is GM Nick Pinto pouring over his roster every week? Is he even aware the season is still going on? The point is, we don’t know! And yet he’s 4-2. That fact alone makes the Ice a bone-chilling opponent.

4. Cincinnati Bowties

Fear Level: Hitler just rose from the dead and applied for gun license.

For a long time now, no one has been afraid of the Bowties (or Hitler), but with the addition of the resurgent Tom Brady, the league’s most vicious attack dog could be right in the thick of the Dusty hunt. While it’s been ages since GM Will Kerridge has put together a good team on the field, the Bowties leader is among the most feared personalities in fantasy football. However, his obsession with GM D.R. Lazar Jr. (not unlike Hitler’s hatred of “certain people”)  holds him back: If Kerridge were to broaden his attacks to the rest of the league beyond BIA/Lazar, he could truly be the scariest force in the TCFFL.

5. Ronald Weasels

Fear Level: An adorable corgi puppy playing with his first chew toy.

The Weasels sit at 3-3, despite having the second-most Points For in the league. It’s unfortunate, but also a sign that GM Tom Aprik could launch his team into the Dusty conversation at a moment’s notice. But were that to happen, there would be nothing to fear. Tom is one of the TCFFL’s gentlest souls; a soldier for what is fair and good. And it would make the league a better place to have the Weasels atop the standings.

6. Pacific Island Boys

Fear Level: The Westboro Baptist Church gets a billion dollars in funding.

For most of their history, The PIBS/WBC have been tiny threats on the horizon, often making a lot of noise but not causing any real fear amongst the rest of the world. But the PIB’s recent fleecing of the Tommy Wiseaus gives them a dangerous, billion-dollar edge that GM JG Thorington has never had before. These guys could contend for it all. Add to that, the newly-angry, rarely-present force that JG has become, and you have a team that will take no prisoners. They’re 2-4 for now, but hosting the bruised and battered BIA in week 6 could be just what the doctor ordered.

7. Aptos Sharks

Fear Level: A rat in alley. 

At first, you don’t see the rat. Nothing to be afraid of. That’s like when the Sharks put up 80 combined points in the first two weeks… Then the rat pops out and makes itself known. It scares you…. That’s the Sharks stringing together some wins, including a MNF devastation against BIA…. Then you think to yourself, I’m a big man. Rat can’t hurt me. It’s more afraid of me than I am of it… That’s the realization that GM Jason Anderson is one of those GMs destined to hover around .500, maybe make an early-round playoff exit as best. A rat may be scary at first, but in the long run, you come out ahead.

8. Dumblethor’s Army

Fear Level: A toddler tells his first lie and you realize they are becoming a person, for good or for ill.

Before this season, DA GM Dylan Thorington was an infant in the grand scheme of things. Never contended for a Dusty in his life. Never scared anyone at all. But now that the DA have strung together a couple wins and jumped out to a 3-3 start, the rest of the league is wondering what kind of identity they will form: The DA are a clean slate, with the potential to be a hero or a villain. Will they choose to contend for a title with dignity and honor? Or will they choose the dark side. The Thug Alliance way… It’s yet to be seen, but all that can be said at this moment is this: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to The TA.

9. Boobies In America

Fear Level: A beauty queen dancing on the edge of an erupting volcano.

You’re not afraid of BIA GM D.R. Lazar Jr. You’re afraid FOR BIA D.R. Lazar Jr. You want him to be OK, despite everything in your brain telling you that he won’t be. One of the league’s true good guys, Lazar is in a very precarious position. In the standings, BIA are currently floating on a wing and a prayer – the WR corps, a collection of old asshats –  the bench, an injured mess of third string bums. In life, the attacks against Lazar have been so fierce and unrelenting that the former champ attempted to leave the league for the sake of his mental health… only to be attacked with double the virulence by the despicable TA. Lazar and BIA have their sights set much lower than a TCFFL championship – they’re just trying to get out of this season alive.

10. Showtime

Fear Level: “Hello, this is your Doctor. We need you to come in… we found something on your test results.”

You know you’re scared of Showtime. But you’re not sure how scared you should be. Andre Johnson and especially Arian Foster have had comeback seasons for the ages. And like a severe disease, there’s no jinxing away Loynes – because how can you be attacked or jinxed when you just go about your business, unaware of everything else that’s going on in the league/body.

11. TC Ticklers

Fear Level: A 6’5, 300lb Hell’s Angels member with amnesia…

Despite the performance in the standings, all the pieces are here for a real contender. Brees, Randle (now #1 in NYG), TY Hilton, Joique, Ingram, Calvin… GM Josh Thorington may be starting to “remember” his team’s true potential – the Tickler’s incredible Week 6 comeback against the JPTS was an underdog story for the ages – but it’s going to be a long road back to contention… If the injuries can heal (especially Calvin’s), the league may have reason to fear Josh above all others.

12. Tommy Wiseau Close-Quarters Football Club

Fear Level: Your girlfriend tells you “Um yeah.. the Bachelorette Party was fun… Really fun… In fact, we need to talk”….

It’s over. You know it’s over. Now you’re just worried she’s going to leave you for good. Things didn’t used to be this way. There was the first kiss (Jeff being welcomed back to the league after a year off in San Fran). The first bang (Jeff winning the Dusty in 2013). You even talked about having kids one day (TCFFL draft in Viva)… But Jeff traded it all away. Shipped off his players for pennies on the dollar… And now that his team seems hopeless, you’re not scared that Jeff will attack you – you’re worried he’s going to walk out the door and never come back.

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