Week 9 Power Rankings: Press Conference Edition

Posted on October 28, 2014 by


Power Rankings

As the playoff race heats up in the TCFFL, so too does the media spotlight. With that in mind, for the Week 8 Power Rankings, we travel through the Midwest to check in on each team’s Tuesday Morning Press Conference.

1. Jackie Paper Thin Skins

Q: Despite your team cruising through the season on its way to the 2014 title, you’ve been managing your team with a complete lack of dignity and grace in 2014. Saying things like, “Oh no, I’m gonna lose!” up 24 points with 2 minutes left in the MNF game. My question is, how does this pathetic attitude affect the guys in the locker room who are carrying you to the championship in 2014

A: First off, f— you. Who are you to say stattracker isn’t going to retroactively take away 20 points from Aaron Rodgers performance last week at some point tomorrow? I still don’t think my match-up with the Ice is over. Beyond that, there is this kid. 13 years old. Goes to Malcolm X. Jr High School in Mississippi. Went for 4.5 yards a carry last year. And his cousin’s uncle’s ex-girlfriend went to U of M Dearborn. Does that mean he’s a lock to come to UM? You tell me… You tell me.

Q: Why are you talking about this kid? What does he have to do with anything?

A: I’m just saying, U of M could win the national title next year. I hear Nick Saban has asked about the Head Coaching job.

2. Blue Polaski’s Boys

Q: Mike, you’re a guy who has consistently said he doesn’t believe in jinxes. Yet, except for the members of the Thug Alliance, no one throws out more jinxes than you do. Many of the GMs you’ve faced off against have left the weekly beatings you dish out with their tail between their legs. Care to comment?

A: I stand by what I said. I mean, I don’t believe in jinxes. It’s like, my newborn baby is totally not going to sleep through the night tonight. Nope. No way. Not a jinx, though. Don’t believe in them. Just a fact, no way she sleeps all night… Whoa! Emmanuel Sanders just scored a 99 yard TD! I know they tell me to wait until all my games are done before holding these Press Conferences but I figured I was safe with only one minute left in Emmanuel’s game– WHOA! He just scored another one! That’s 9 for him today. Not bad… Although I’m sure he’ll get hurt or something… And that’s not a jinx. I’m just sure he will get hurt.

3. Ronald Weasels

Q: As the wins start piling up, so have accusations against you, Tom Aprik, as the manger of the Ronald Weasels. This past week, for example, your former alliance brother GM Jeff Spencer felt mercilessly attacked in your Week 8 showdown. GM’s D. R. Lazar Jr and JG Thorington went on record saying not only was it sad to watch your performance during early Sunday morning games this week, but also, and I quote Lazar here, “the mock-fear Tome showed throughout the MSU/UM game, pretending like MSU actually had a chance to lose, was disgraceful. It was like eating a steak dinner in front of a starving homeless baby and pretending to cry because you were worried the water refill wasn’t going to come.”

A: Is there a question, bitch?

Q: Oh. I guess not.

A: Well, if you’re not asking a question, I’d just like to let everyone know about Nature’s Fresh Kale Juice. It’s the 100% natural way to keep your body happy and healthy. Drink two Kale Juices a day as a meal replacement, and watch the pounds fall off… and the ladies grab on!

4. Cincinnati Bowties

Q: The league was almost ready to count you out, but now the Bowties look like one of the league’s best teams. Tom Brady is unstoppable. Brandon Marshall a guaranteed 20 points a game. Ellington the best RB in the league this side of Gio Benard. Ahmad Bradshaw finally going to be healthy the entire year. How do you do it, Will?

A: It’s not easy. It’s hard work. I’m on my 120 foot yacht in the San Francisco Bay every Saturday morning, working on my roster. On Friday nights, right after the weekly gay pride parade on Castro Street, I huddle up with Lance and the other fellas at a local pub called The Glory Hole and we spitball back and forth. Some people say I’m a lucky guy. I jaunt across the globe on a whim. Tom Brady falls into my lap. Literally no injuries have affected my team this year. And to those people, I’d like to call on a familiar quote that I’ve found to be very true: I’d rather be lucky than good.

5. Italian Ice

Q: GM Pinto, you seem to be an old dog up to old tricks. Quietly sitting back while your team contends, week after week– Wait. Is he coming? You guys said start asking questions, but there’s no one at the podium. Am I supposed to just talk at the air?

A: ….

6. Pacific Island Boys

Q: So you tried to step down as Commissioner again…

A: Yeah? What’s your point?

Q: Don’t you feel your yearly retirement is somewhat old and predictable at this point?

A: I’m sorry? How long have you been Commissioner of a thriving fantasy football league?

Q: I’m not sure why you’re getting so defensive. Especially when your team is doing so well.

A: Oh? We’re here to talk about my TEAM. That’s right. I almost forgot…. Why don’t you do your job and ask me about my team instead of what I do as Commissioner, you c—.

Q: How do you feel about fleecing GM Jeff Spencer and ending his season?

A: I feel like anybody who’s wearing a fleece. Warm, comfortable and content. Next question.

7. Dumblethor’s Army

Q: Dylan, talk to me about the addition of Deangelo Williams to the team.

A: Well, obviously, Deangelo is like a son. And, really, every guy on the roster is like a son. It’s kind of like me and my wife couldn’t get pregnant, so we took fertility meds, and she ended up giving birth to like 13 grown men. And now they’re all my sons. But Deangelo, he is a guy we really—

Deangelo Williams: Uh, Coach…

A: What is it Deangelo? I’m doing a press conference.

Deangelo Williams: Well, I was eating skittles. And I dropped the skittles on the floor and tripped over them and twisted my ankle. Long, story short. I’m hurt. Doctors say three weeks. So knowing my body, that means eight.

A: Jesus Christ.

8. Showtime

Q: Nick, you were criticized for drafting the oldest team in fantasy history. And yet, halfway through the season, you’re right in the thick of the playoff hunt. Do you think your team was inspired by the criticism – or is this group of veterans able to ignore outside distractions?

A: There a time for GM Loynes when you do and you can’t. Who could be the one? We look in the mirror and where do we see? Old yes but touchdowns come sometimes. You or me? It’s funny but GM Loynes has abilities and then you can think about it. But not too long. Or maybe yes except it’s kind of messed up.

Q: … Right.

9. Aptos Sharks

Q: Right now your starting Running Backs are Matt Asiata and Zac Stacy. Do you think the Sharks can compete with that backfield?

A: Hmkmkmkkmkmk.

Q: Jason, it’s been eight weeks of these press conferences. Can you please say something besides just standing up there and making rat noises?

A: Hmkmkmkmmkm. That’s rat speak for “no”.

10. TC Ticklers

Q: Are people underrating the Ticklers? The team’s roster looks fairly stacked and now that Drew Brees seems to be re-invigorated, your squad looks poised for a late season run. What’s more, you’ve rebounded without the help of Calvin Johnson, who’s presence would undoubtedly give you a gigantic boost going into the playoffs. To follow up on my initial question, are you happy with where the Ticklers are at? Or will you look to make moves to bolster the roster?

A: Yes.

Q: Uh, what about playing your twin brother last week. It was fairly heated going into the sunday match-up and you came out the eventual winner. Has there been any loved lost or do you two still respect each other?

A: No.

Q: You’re really not giving us a lot to work with here.

Q (Reporter 2): He never does.

12. (Tie) Tommy Wiseau’s Close-Quarter Football Club / Boobies in America

Q: GM’s Spencer and Lazar: It’s fairly unprecedented for two GMs to hold a press conference together. However, with both your teams in free fall, it does seem to make some sense. Would you both care to discuss where you’re at, mentally and emotionally?

Spencer: Ughhhhhhhhhh.

Lazar: You’ll have to be patient with us. Press Conferences are exhausting and our Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is really hitting hard today.

Spencer: I fed up with this world!

Lazar: I just took a nap while Jeff was answering, so I’ll field this one. Jeff and I, as members of the Egg Alliance, are moving on to other endeavors. Each of us look at the players on our rosters as little puppies, that we saw when we were walking past the humane society and they were about to all be put down because no one wanted them. So we adopted all of them and spared their lives. So all of the players on our rosters are like adopted puppies who’s lives we saved, to us. We care about these dogs. But dogs they are. They’re garbage.

Spencer: You are tearing me apart, AJ Green!

Lazar: It’s truly as low as fantasy can get. But in the spirit of the Egg Alliance, Jeff and I have agreed to split BBB duties once we inevitably meet in the 2014 Beer Bitch Bowl. We’ll both be benching our entire teams so that the score is 0 to 0 – a pathetically deserving end to a nightmare season.


Lazar: We’re moving on. In place of fantasy, Jeff and I are starting the UMAFPC: University of Michigan Financial Planning Club – a fun organization for business-minded UM grads who are looking to dedicate their free time to investing in stocks. We’ll donate 3% of our earnings to charity, and more importantly, highlight the fact we’re doing so at the top of our resumes. Anything to add Jeff?

Spencer: UGHHHHH.


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