“It’s like a ‘Who-Dun-It’ mystery novel with a twist ending: We didn’t realize who the bad guy was the whole time.”

Posted on September 23, 2015 by

1


Inside the rise and fall of Commissioner JG Thorington

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 9.08.15 PM

The Lay Report

At 6:32 on September 23rd, 2015, millionaire GM and former forensic consultant Rob Lay released his headline grabbing report on GroupMe participation within the TCFFL since 2013. The “Lay Report”, as the media has taken to calling it, was notable for a number of things. It confirmed years-in-the-making slander charges of D.R. Lazar Jr against the league’s own Axis of Evil (GMs Will Kerridge and Rob Lay were #1 and #2 in the standings of GroupMe users saying “Good Win” as a method of jinxing.) The report also highlighted GM Tom Aprik’s troll-like tendencies and the sad state of league participation as a whole (half of the league makes up less than 5% of all GroupMe messages.)

But the most damning insight from The Lay Report was also its most unexpected one. Commissioner JG Thorington, once the lifeblood of the TCFFL and the man arguably most responsible for its innovation over the years, ranked a pathetic 7th on the list of highest participators. While the low ranking was a shock, it was the numbers that provided the real pit in the stomach of TCFFL fans everywhere: JG had sent 20,000 less messages than any member of the TCFFL’s “Big Five” participators.

Immediately after the report’s publishing, the league was buzzing. There has been so much talk about the death of the TCFFL in recent years, but now a much harder question needed to be asked: Was the league already dead? Did its Commissioner EVER care? And has the Commissioner’s recent abysmal performance been the result of not caring about his league?

Screen Shot 2015-09-21 at 10.37.35 PM‘We were fighting against the wrong enemy’

In recent weeks, the TCFFL has seen the birth of an organic protest movement against league inequality. The members of the Taking Jinxes Outta Convos political group (#TJOC) have banded together out of a desire to “take back the league” from the forces that have destroyed it. Namely, the slander and jinxing that have created an uneven playing field for TCFFL GMs.

The Curse GM D.R. Lazar has been the vocal leader of TJOC since its inception. And for Lazar, The Lay Report changed everything. ‘TJOC is a movement fighting for the good of the TCFFL. We want to take our league back and restore it to its former glory. Our goal is to build a wall at the border of slander-town and keep out those who do not have a right to be here. And for the longest time, we were directly taking on who we thought were responsible. Specifically, the leading slanderers and jinxers in the TCFFL, aka the Axis of Evil, as the media calls them. Kerridge. Lay. Aprik… These were the members of the privileged elite that we were standing up against. But The Lay Report showed us all that we were fighting against the wrong enemy.”

When asked who represented the real enemy the TJOC movement should be standing up to, Lazar seemed to fight back tears, but managed to present a stoic answer in the face of what amounts to a personal betrayal. “The real enemy is JG Thorington and his ambivalence and apathy for our league.”

Screen Shot 2014-10-21 at 1.48.37 PM

Where have you gone JG Thorington? Our league turns its lonely eyes to you

“Honestly, it was like a ‘Who-Dun-It’ mystery novel with a twist ending. You think the bad guy is one person this whole time, but then it turns out that your best friend killed the butler. In this case, of course, the best friend is JG Thorington and the butler is the league. And also equality.” In an impassioned press conference on the topic of The Lay Report, Lazar was trying to come to terms with the new reality of the TCFFL. “Listen. Will, Rob, and Tome are trolls. They’re going to do what they’re going to do. It’s how the league operates and generates controversy and discussion. But traditionally, what has always brought balance was the Commissioner standing in the center of the aisle as a uniting force. But to realize that he’s gone… it’s like your dad telling you he’s ‘going out for a pack of cigarettes’ and five years later without his return, you finally accept that daddy’s not coming back.”

“At this point, all I – and I think the league as a whole – have, is questions. What did we do wrong? Was it the MSUleague? What do they have that we don’t? How did we not realize our Commissioner had abandoned us? You mean it’s not normal for your leader to try to quit his post five times a season?”

The future looks bleak

What worried Lazar the most, was the future. “It saddens me to see JG Thorington join TrollTronTome3000 in the name of so many troll causes. JG has taken to pretending to misunderstand the TJOC movement instead of engaging us in a productive dialogue. The one time JG and TJOC leadership came to the table he immediately screenshotted and reported our first talks (during an extremely sensitive time that’s supposed to be private in order for both sides to feel each other out) and then publicly disowned our talks at the first sign of trouble… And worse, he’s joined the ranks of the league-ruiner Tom Aprik in the circle of teams who’s rosters are being run by a computer. But I guess that makes sense now.”

“JG doesn’t want to dedicate time to running his team. So why not let a computer do it.”

Advertisements
Posted in: News